Gold Rush

I haven't had much to say in a long while. I have been busy working running,pushing, talking, planning,and plotting. The dust is beginning to settle and now I am asking myself. What exactly am I doing and why?
It is estimated that before the earthquake in Haiti there were apprximately 4,000 NGO's in the country. There are now a reported 10,000 NGO's in the country now. This is not counting the non-registered groups and individual volunteers. Many people are flocking to Haiti's boarders for their chance to see with their own eyes,experience with all five senses, and say they helped even one. We have never seen a catastrophe of this proportion before. It has a magnitizing quality to it. We couldnt take our eyes off of the early footage and some were so moved to arrive at its borders to help. Many arrived in the days after the earthquake with just the shirts on their backs eager to help. desperate to do SOMETHING. As the days and weeks continue to add up many are still hurrying to Haiti. Many will return with lofty goals and desires to help...like I did. The question for me now is HOW? I have sat through many a dizzying meeting about Haiti. At the UN, conference calls, presentations and now even a tentative job offer to work in Haiti. (Still pending details) and I walk away dismayed. I know all the sayings...eat a whale one bite at a time...but why would I want to do that!? Why in the world would I want to eat a whole whale by myself? The questions of how and how long become, is this truly what I want to devote my life to? I read the article of a young girl who had just visited Haiti and I could relate to her perspective. She said going to Haiti gave her "Freedom from the American dream. Wreckage of the disgusting idea I used to have of what success looks like. Abandonment of the desire for wealth and the idea that material things will fix us or fulfill us"
I battle this every day! The american dream. My two bedroom house is never good enough. Never large enough. Never nice enough. But, you know what? If I were to airlift this very house and set it into Haiti, It would be like the sight of a crusie ship in the distance. It would be sooooooo nice!
The american dream makes me feel foolish for wanting to go and help in haiti. Makes me feel crazy for wanted to take my children to Haiti and live amongst the Haitians and help them. It makes me want to jump back into the comfy band wagon and try and get an even bigger salary, a bigger house, a nicer car, better clothes. Isnt your favorite daydream the one about what you would do if you won the lottery. It is mine.
Haiti still calls me, she summons me. Sadly, I find that her voice is growing faint. My fears of the unknown are are crying louder than she is. What happened to the fearlessness I had before? Fools rush in. Perhaps just sprinkling a little american sunshine is all I can do? Hand out some food, some bandaids. Like the bible says...you tell your neighbor...Keep warm and well fed...knowing good and well they don't have food or blankets!
Its not our problem right? Their government should fix it,right? So what, a few more thousand people die as a result. What can I do? It's the circle of life right? Like the animal channels. You can never save that poor zebra. You can only sit in the comfort of your home and watch it die.
What is the proper response to this catastrophe? I keep silent because I am overwhelmed by the answer. I waste away inwardly and physically because there really is no right answer. It's really up to me. I find myself running out of steam. Running out of enthusiasm. Running out of ideas.It's much easier not to think. It's easier to to get consumed with facebook, survivor,gardening,food shopping, my husband,kids and travel plans. It's easier.
Can I turn on my heels and continue on with my American dream? A dream my family will never achieve to be quite honest. Unless we win that lottery. Its time for a change. Maybe for a year maybe for a lifetime,but it is time.