For such a time as this...

On Friday,I started the day as I always do; trying to get another ounce of sleep. Lately it’s been hard to get up out of bed. I took the baby from her crib after she woke up. Instead of getting the day going I brought her back to my bed so that we could sleep together for even just a few more minutes. When she got too fidgety to keep in bed; I get up and log into my computer to see what is going on in Haiti and find out if anyone has gotten back to me about anything. While I'm checking, I'm making a lasagna. It's time I cook a decent meal. It has been a while of tuna fish sandwiches and frankly I can’t remember what for the past couple of days. I take some time to make some phone calls, to clean,to take a shower. I come back to check my emails and there it is.

Subject line: Trip to Haiti
From: My dear friend, a Haitian physician

I didn’t have to open it to know what it was about. But I did read it and the email said.
"I was just contacted about an upcoming volunteer trip to Haiti for medical relief. The first flight leaves tomorrow 1/23/2010 and the next will leave in about 1-2 weeks. Please let me know if you would be interested in going as a
Physician, nurse or translator. I need to provide your name, contact number, your role and how long you can stay ASAP. If you are interested in going please visit your physician for travel vaccines(Hep. B, Hep. A, Typhoid, Malaria, Meningitis, Tetanus, flu, H1N1). You will also need a recent passport."

It only took a second for me to hit REPLY with my Name, Phone numbers, email and a short message that said nothing more than "Passport Valid until 2015". Then I just stood there. I sent it off and stood there. It's important to me that you know that I am not reckless woman. I have been known to walk away from many a sale to give myself time to evaluate spending the money or not. Many hear the excitement and enthusiasm in my voice and I can see them getting nervous. They often don't see what takes place behind the scenes. Please understand; I DO NOTHING without weighing, not just the pro's and con's, but everything in between. Ask my husband. It can be very draining. I and my husband have been praying about this moment together since we learned about the earthquake. What we were waiting for was not the IF but the HOW. We both knew that my heart was to go. There was never any question. What we didn’t know was WHO I was going with and HOW I was going to get there. Almost as soon as I pressed send my husband had gotten up from a nap he was taking. (He works over night as a truck driver for a major wholesale warehouse.) I couldn’t speak with him right away. I just took him by the hand and sat him down. I was bursting at the seams. I sat him down and I told him that I had been contacted about a trip to Haiti and that I wanted to go. Right then and there, I had his full blessing to go. Any hesitation, a boo, and I would not have the strength or courage to go. His love and his support mean so much to me. They are a reminder of how big God is. How powerful God is. In this time of extreme uncertainty the fact that he feels comfortable with me going to help my people. I am truly blessed.
In the same day, as if that were not enough, I reached out to some friends to say why don’t we "put our heads together" and see what we can come up with. I have some resources sitting in my inbox that maybe we can turn into something. A group of influential Haitians were already getting together for a meeting and now I was invited to give my input and offer my ideas. Is this really happening? I felt like I had made it to home base. I felt that in that moment I was where I was supposed to be. Doing what I should be doing.
Last year, I partook in an exercise where I filled out a worksheet to determine what my goals were. A mission statement, if you will. At first, I thought the exercise was futile and a waste of time. I couldn’t sit still long enough to do anything with it. I finally finished with help and encouragement from many friends. The common thread we found was that my joy and strengths were bringing people together. As the heartbreaking details of Haiti continue to unfold, my thoughts go right away to the book of Esther 4:14,
"For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews (Haitians) will arise from another place... And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?"
Such a time as THIS...I couldn’t escape the idea that God was calling me to use what he has given me to make a difference. It fit and made sense.
Words cannot express what seeing the Hope for Haiti telethon on EVERY MAJOR television station meant to me tonight...If any were still in the dark about the gravity of the situation in Haiti, they are no more.
I spent the rest of the day refreshing my inbox to see what came of my REPLY. I checked and checked until I saw the email. It was the same subject and from the same person. This time, it was not an inquiry. It was statement. A statement to those in charge saying: My team will consist of Translator Katty Velez and blah blah blah after that. I don’t remember. I had to go back and read it again and again. What I do remember is that almost immediately, my whole body reacted to the news. I started to tremble and I started to shake. I would be lying if I said I werent afraid and a bit nervous. When I saw the telethon on every station, I sat and wiped streams of tears from my face. I thought, the world gets it. It was an affirmation and thumbs up to me that I wasn’t crazy or foolish or reckless.
In a week or two I WILL be on my way to Haiti. I don’t say this in a bragging way. It’s in a remarkable way. Like I won't believe it until I am there. I will most likely cry all the way there, the whole time there and all the way back and I will more than likely want to go back there once I return. My focus alongside translating is to encourage those I come in contact with and offer a reminder TO HOPE.
I pray to God and I thank JESUS Christ if I get to go. Please pray for the details leading up to and during this trip. Pray for us to be successful in saving some and for the safe return of me and my team.

God's clarity or my insanity?

I've been looking at my children a lot lately. I walk around in a fog. Contemplating. As someone put it...I am physically here in America but my heart and spirit are in Haiti. It is physically difficult to exist knowing that a part of me is not doing well. The bible says it the best...when one part suffers, all the other parts suffer with it. I know for some, we are dying inside. We are grief stricken, some depressed, others helpless, we are weak yet trying to be strong and faithful..looking for the silver lining and a time to catch our breath.
I look at my children. I am looking them over with different eyes. What are my children wearing? Why do they have so many clothes? They have more clothes than me. What are they saying? What are they talking about? What are they interested in? Are they too self centered? Do they watch too much television? Will they be compassionate people when they grow up? What matters in their little world right now? AND THEN I ask myself. Well, who needs me more? The people in Haiti or my own flesh and blood. I ask myself, at what price am I willing to go and help? I have heard stories..maybe fables?...tall tales I pray...of the earthquake...of volunteers being shot at and some killed. As I'm shaking my head in disbelief, my sadness and empathy turn to anger and disgust. Biting the hand that feeds you? Come on! But couldn’t this be me? Couldn’t I go into Haiti with my heart gushing, desperate to help and to encourage and end up medi-vac'd out or worse...dead?
I last went to Haiti more than 10 years ago. Even then, my friends and new acquaintances could tell that I was "not from around there". They would ask me where I was from and take turns guessing. They would say Guadeloupe? Martinique? Why you ask...because of my accent, the way I dressed, the way my skin looked and the texture of my hair, my feet, even the heels of my feet and the whites of my eyes! My whole demeanor, posture, all of it was a dead giveaway. They did not recognize me or accept me as one of their own. Another young university student in Haiti once asked why I came to Haiti. I told him that I came with my church as an intern. What he said in response to that I will never forget. He said, " You are Stooopeeed, You left der U-niiiiigh states to come to dees gabeeege Kontwee?" (you are stupid, you left the united states to come to this garbage country?!). I didn’t feel bad that he said that to me or the fact that I was there at all. I wondered though...do other Haitians feel this way? I know many are wondering why is Haiti the way that it is? Are we wasting money and resources on this "garbage country"? Some are like yes lets help but whoa, whoa, whoa...many years of help? That's not our problem.
So, here I am, mother of two toddlers 3 and 1. I am faced with a true dilemma. What IF I go to Haiti? I have friends who see how badly I want to go and they say, I am praying that you get to go. I have friends who are saying, I hope you get to go, Katty. And when I actually hear that people GET me and know how hot this desire burns on my heart...I AM AFRAID.
I look at my children with all of this in my heart. I say to myself, they have the world at their feet. They are beautiful, they are intelligent, they will have every opportunity available to them. The world will deny them nothing. What about the children in Haiti? What about the mothers in Haiti? What about the sons and the fathers who do love their country, who are proud to be Haitians, who are proud of the victory they had when they fought and WON for their freedom. It didn’t hit me till recently that the Haitian people have been FREE from slavery for the last 206 years (Jan 1,1804). 61 years (Dec 18,1865) longer than blacks in the America. This means an entire generation of Haitians were free before the first black slaves were free in America. It was because of the Haitian revolution that any talk of freedom could be had. It was because of Haiti and help from the Haitians that other nations fought for their freedom and won. I don’t know enough of my Caribbean/Haitian history to expound but I will be doing some homework and we can have a book report. The dates are solid though and the facts amazing.
In 1994, I was interviewed by a young couple to go on a mission team to Haiti. I was asked all types of questions about my background and my desire to go. My response to all the questions was this...If it is God's will for me to go, who am I to stand in his way? I never said yes to anything directly. When I left the interview and thought about the possibility of me NOT going, I called some friends. I knew they had direct influence on the results, and I made sure they knew that I wanted to go.Not going was not an option. The interviewers called me shortly thereafter and said they were surprised because they really couldn't read me. They wanted me on the team but weren’t going to invite me.Thank God I spoke up. I have that same sick feeling in my heart. I want to go. I need to go.
So why am I contemplating all this? If I "get to go", I may quite possibly be saying goodbye to my family and friend for the last time. Saying goodbye to my husband and children forever. If I return, I return to my country as foreigner,a guest,a traveler. Am I willing to die for my people? Why shouldn’t I be? Is it insane to want to? Should I leave that up to someone else? Another nation? If I and others won't...then who will...who should? This is a real question. Who decided when the Haitians would get their independence? Was it a plan or were they met with insurmountable odds and opportunity? I know there are individuals living the answer daily. I don’t yet have an answer.