Die laughing...but die waiting?

I have spent the past few days in "silence". Silent with my thoughts. Guarding the matters in my heart. Waiting. I realize that every waking moment was spent thinking about when I would leave for Haiti. When would I have the chance to witness for myself what had been done to Haiti? Waiting, waiting. Checking and waiting. Chatting and talking but waiting. Then I get the email on Friday morning.

"If I get the funds and the contacts I will leave on Sunday.....so if I call you let me know if you can come"

My reply, of course I can come
I had nothing burning on my heart. It is in those moments that my heart is full that I need to speak. I am here now. Ready to share. I haven’t watched much news. I haven’t listened to much of the radio. I am waiting. Waiting for word on this trip. I don’t believe that God would lead me this far and not go to Haiti.
My sister came to my house on Saturday with money and a tent. She and her husband dropped everything to come and see me. If you are from Haiti, you know you can't announce your trip to everyone or else you will be laden with items to pack in your bag. Once upon a time you could bring a larger than life suitcase to Haiti. Any time I would spot one I would say, that is a Haiti Suitcase! It was long and tall usually fake brown leather and you could bring like two or three of these on the plane. They were always full of cooking oil, rice, and sometimes frozen meat, shoes, clothes, soaps. You name it. When someone heard you were going to Haiti...Watch out because soon after came the "Can you bring this to my mother?", "Can you bring this envelope to my cousin?" Can you bring this bag to my Father?". I think it was because of us that the Airport started asking...did you receive anything from someone you didn’t know.
First my sister with the money and the tent, then my brother with more money then my father with more money then my cousin with more money! I feared a bit for my safety but I couldn’t refuse the request. Sunday I went to church and said goodbye to some people. I told them I was on standby. I was right? Someone is going to call me and tell me that I am going to Haiti right? Right??? Monday I go to work. Nothing. Tuesday I got to work. Nothing. Wednesday I got to work and then to church again that night. NOTHING! People are now feeling bad for me. "I thought you left already" they would say. I put on my strong face, stretched tight and straight smile and raised eyebrows....""I'm on standby", I would tell them. What that meant I didn’t know, but it was better than trying to explain that the organization we were going with was not getting back to us and that we really weren’t sure if we were going at all. Thursday...I woke up...bags still packed. I went to work again. I chatted and emailed again. I even told people that the trip was postponed. All my friends were like maybe its not meant to be. I agreed. It wasn’t happening smoothly. It wasn’t falling into place anymore. I posted a note on my facebook to the effect that I was moving on and I was resolved. The messages and comments poured in about the prayers and how maybe it wasn’t God's will....yes, yes, yes...I know. I was resolved in my heart however. If it wasn’t meant to be, why force it and end up dead or injured. I stayed at work a little late, went to pick up my daughters from my in-laws house. Hung out there for a while. Took my time and made it home. I was going to a wake that night and possibly going to be singing a song for the late father of a dear friend. When I got home I took a shower. Googled the address for the funeral home and had about two hours to get showered and get there by 6pm. I get showered and wrap a towel around my body. Then...the phone rings. Its my dear friend the doctor. She says "I have good news" I knew at that moment that I was going to Haiti. All I needed was the details. She told me there was a bus leaving for Haiti from Santo Domingo on Friday morning at 9am. My mind did the quick math. We had to leave TONIGHT! Wow. Like this? A week ago, I had a perfect schedule made out for coverage at home. A friend would watch the girls for me, my sister would cook a meal for Eric, my niece would sleep over to watch the girls, and my in-laws would pick them up on Friday. I did laundry and the house was spic and span. A week ago. It was later that week now and I cancelled my niece because I was sure I wasn’t going. I let the house go a bit and my friend was working early the next morning. Instead, my husband had to take the next day off, there was a snow storm coming, I had to drive an hour and a half to JFK airport instead of Newark, I had to pay 2x's as much for my ticket and I just got my period!!! All of this just hours before I was leaving for earthquake torn, no water, hot as the equator, Haiti. nooooooooooooooo! This is not how I planned it.
Time and time again I have seen that this is the way God prefers to work. Had I gone when everything was all perfect and planned perhaps I would not been as in tune with how he worked out every detail. How in those moments everything came together.
I had just few hours to get ready. It was 5pm and I would be leaving in 4 hours to get to JFK airport. Still wrapped in my towel, I sat down and booked our flights. I paid with the credit card of a team member I had never met. I sent them the itinerary. Called them and said we are leaving on the 1255am flight. TONIGHT. With that I started to get myself ready. I told my husband that I needed $200 cash, my antibiotic prescription (to give away) and a box of power bars.
I called a friend to give me a ride to the airport. Check. I called my sisters and brothers to tell them that I was definitely going. Check. I got dressed and debated whether or not to bring sandals. I left them behind. Check. I had to get the girls bathed and ready for bed without crying. Check. I gave the 3 year old a Princess Tiana flashlight to keep her busy and happy. I told her that I was going to Haiti to help the little children and their families. I told her that if she got scared she could turn on her flashlight. She was so happy. She went to be without a fuss. I sent an email to my family with website and some phone numbers and my itinerary. Send. Check. I planned to leave at 930pm. at about 915 I decided that I really should wash my hair before I left. It was filthy and I didn’t want to go with filthy hair. I stood at the sink and washed it while my friend waited. It was just one of those things I HAD to do. With hair slicked back, smelling good, dripping...I was ready to go. I asked my friend to wait outside while my husband and I took a moment to hold each other and pray on the loveseat. I drove to the airport. My hands were shaking a bit. I was hungry and didn’t get to eat anything until I got to the airport. I paid $10 for a flimsy salad. I thought...It may be my last good meal till I get back so may as well. They finally begin boarding and I realize that I forgot to call my job and tell them that I am leaving for Haiti!!!...With bags in hand, on line waiting to hand over my boarding pass...At midnight, I call my boss's cell phone and leave him a message of by the way....I'm leaving for Haiti RIGHT NOW and I wont be back until next Thursday. (He knew I was leaving just not at that moment!). I board the plane and we are OFF...I'm going to Haiti...we are OFF...I'm going to Haiti...

God's clarity or my insanity?

I've been looking at my children a lot lately. I walk around in a fog. Contemplating. As someone put it...I am physically here in America but my heart and spirit are in Haiti. It is physically difficult to exist knowing that a part of me is not doing well. The bible says it the best...when one part suffers, all the other parts suffer with it. I know for some, we are dying inside. We are grief stricken, some depressed, others helpless, we are weak yet trying to be strong and faithful..looking for the silver lining and a time to catch our breath.
I look at my children. I am looking them over with different eyes. What are my children wearing? Why do they have so many clothes? They have more clothes than me. What are they saying? What are they talking about? What are they interested in? Are they too self centered? Do they watch too much television? Will they be compassionate people when they grow up? What matters in their little world right now? AND THEN I ask myself. Well, who needs me more? The people in Haiti or my own flesh and blood. I ask myself, at what price am I willing to go and help? I have heard stories..maybe fables?...tall tales I pray...of the earthquake...of volunteers being shot at and some killed. As I'm shaking my head in disbelief, my sadness and empathy turn to anger and disgust. Biting the hand that feeds you? Come on! But couldn’t this be me? Couldn’t I go into Haiti with my heart gushing, desperate to help and to encourage and end up medi-vac'd out or worse...dead?
I last went to Haiti more than 10 years ago. Even then, my friends and new acquaintances could tell that I was "not from around there". They would ask me where I was from and take turns guessing. They would say Guadeloupe? Martinique? Why you ask...because of my accent, the way I dressed, the way my skin looked and the texture of my hair, my feet, even the heels of my feet and the whites of my eyes! My whole demeanor, posture, all of it was a dead giveaway. They did not recognize me or accept me as one of their own. Another young university student in Haiti once asked why I came to Haiti. I told him that I came with my church as an intern. What he said in response to that I will never forget. He said, " You are Stooopeeed, You left der U-niiiiigh states to come to dees gabeeege Kontwee?" (you are stupid, you left the united states to come to this garbage country?!). I didn’t feel bad that he said that to me or the fact that I was there at all. I wondered though...do other Haitians feel this way? I know many are wondering why is Haiti the way that it is? Are we wasting money and resources on this "garbage country"? Some are like yes lets help but whoa, whoa, whoa...many years of help? That's not our problem.
So, here I am, mother of two toddlers 3 and 1. I am faced with a true dilemma. What IF I go to Haiti? I have friends who see how badly I want to go and they say, I am praying that you get to go. I have friends who are saying, I hope you get to go, Katty. And when I actually hear that people GET me and know how hot this desire burns on my heart...I AM AFRAID.
I look at my children with all of this in my heart. I say to myself, they have the world at their feet. They are beautiful, they are intelligent, they will have every opportunity available to them. The world will deny them nothing. What about the children in Haiti? What about the mothers in Haiti? What about the sons and the fathers who do love their country, who are proud to be Haitians, who are proud of the victory they had when they fought and WON for their freedom. It didn’t hit me till recently that the Haitian people have been FREE from slavery for the last 206 years (Jan 1,1804). 61 years (Dec 18,1865) longer than blacks in the America. This means an entire generation of Haitians were free before the first black slaves were free in America. It was because of the Haitian revolution that any talk of freedom could be had. It was because of Haiti and help from the Haitians that other nations fought for their freedom and won. I don’t know enough of my Caribbean/Haitian history to expound but I will be doing some homework and we can have a book report. The dates are solid though and the facts amazing.
In 1994, I was interviewed by a young couple to go on a mission team to Haiti. I was asked all types of questions about my background and my desire to go. My response to all the questions was this...If it is God's will for me to go, who am I to stand in his way? I never said yes to anything directly. When I left the interview and thought about the possibility of me NOT going, I called some friends. I knew they had direct influence on the results, and I made sure they knew that I wanted to go.Not going was not an option. The interviewers called me shortly thereafter and said they were surprised because they really couldn't read me. They wanted me on the team but weren’t going to invite me.Thank God I spoke up. I have that same sick feeling in my heart. I want to go. I need to go.
So why am I contemplating all this? If I "get to go", I may quite possibly be saying goodbye to my family and friend for the last time. Saying goodbye to my husband and children forever. If I return, I return to my country as foreigner,a guest,a traveler. Am I willing to die for my people? Why shouldn’t I be? Is it insane to want to? Should I leave that up to someone else? Another nation? If I and others won't...then who will...who should? This is a real question. Who decided when the Haitians would get their independence? Was it a plan or were they met with insurmountable odds and opportunity? I know there are individuals living the answer daily. I don’t yet have an answer.

Listening for the Whisper

1Kings19:11-12
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. 12After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.

So are you overdosing on CNN,MSNBC,Facebook,Twitter,Yahoo like I am? Are you completely consumed with the developments of this earthquake and the search and rescue efforts of the Haitian people? I feel like a mother with a child in intensive care. I don't want to leave her side for fear I may miss something. But you know what? I find that I am most anxious and fearful as I sit and watch. Its tough because you want to be informed and stay connected. If you are anything like me, you then realize you are just sitting and doing nothing. Just watching. Nothing you can do to help because you can't. At leat not in these delicate days, hours and minutes. This is what I wrestle with now. The helplessness of this situation. I want to be in the rubble, pulling away rocks. I have a rock smasher, a pick ax and 2 shovels. I want to help someone save thier child! I want to give out water and food and encourage people to stay hopeful and not despair. Today I and many others are going without food and praying. Its called fasting. This is my petition to God. Of course, I will surely turn the radio and tv and internet accounts back on and watch but I find that the quiet moments are the most empowering. I can pray, meditate and listen for God's whisper to me, telling me that it will be better. It has to be. I dont think the world can ignore the cries of my people any longer.

2Corinthians 4:8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.